A few years back, Oprah interviewed a woman who was picking up the pieces after her 4 children where killed. I will never forget what she said, “I am struggling to find a new normal”. Life would never be the same for her, she was not the same, so normal could not be the same either.
In early December we lost our third baby. It is a new normal. I am a a mother of 5 now, two to hold and three in heaven with my Grandma. It is my belief that an unborn child is human at point of conception. I wonder if it is this belief that deepens the sadness. I was told once not to talk about my miscarriage as a baby’s death. That was when I realized my losses was a catalist for my pro-life beliefs because when I greive over thier lives I say, “abortion is death of a baby”. They were babies and they did die they would be grieved and I could not hide their short lives. Their lives had a purpose. It was not just a fetus, it was a baby. Therefore, when I am asked, how many children I have, it is understandable that I feel a little guilty sometimes answering, “two”. Because I wonder, “if I was to tell the whole truth would I spark a question in their minds,’ when is a baby a baby?’ ” But to answer; “5, but I lost three”, requires an awkward, sympathetic response. Which is not what I am looking for. But I can not be silent either.
The last baby, I suspected would not come to term because I did not feel sick, as I did with my full term babies. So I tried not to be anxious about the out come but to delight with each day that I carried him, as it could my only chance to “hold” him. So I held him and I loved him the best I could and for as long as I could. I was 7 weeks.
So I have loved more children than I hold. They will always be part of my life story. My losses have given me a burdon for couples who have difficulty conceiving, and I pray for them fervently until they are pregnant and their baby is born. This are part of my life. This is my normal.